“Distorted”  Oil on Canvas

There is this angst inside of me.
I want to keep in silence,
but my blood is raging in fire;
my thought is screaming in wrath;
my heart throbbing with intense vexation.

If I speak, no one spares time to listen.
I am longing for someone to talk to.
I am longing for somebody whose genuine heart
cares to listen to my thoughts, from my heart and soul.

I tried speaking, yet no one understands my language.
In my spoken and unspoken words, I dare to express.
Yet neither one hears nor feels the vibration of the roaring, of my silent voice.

I can only question… and hoping somehow, somewhere,
some kind of unknown being, maybe be able to indulge me with the
satisfaction in response to my query.

How do you feel if you’re being ignored?

How does it feel if you are burning candles at both ends, only to
find out, no one even cares?

How would you feel if you try the best all you can to perfect your
craft, and you’re not being appreciated?

How would you feel when you commit yourself to render service, yet
you hear and see nothing but criticism, skepticism and doubt?

How do you feel when you think you don’t have the freedom to
create something on your own?

How do you feel when you have a pure intention of loving what you do, and your only reward is the joy and love of what you do, yet someone from out of nowhere, foresee it as rivalry, competition and maybe even worse, a threat?

How would you feel when someone you respected and trust tells you,”You can’t do it?”

If and only if, you fell how I feel…
Look straight into my eyes and tell me, “It sucks!”

With all these anguish, affliction,
distress… these tribulations boiling inside me..
I realized that nothing in life is worth caring for,
but my own life,
my own destiny,
my own journey.

Only in Nature, can I fully express myself. It is my only refuge…
the non-physical and intangible… it understands and listens to me in

It is better for me to reveal my inner grief to the trees, for I know, it
engraves my emotions unto its bark, like a mist that will vanish with
the whisper of the wind. And even if the wind hears it, it will only soar unto the space and into the space it remains.

I will travel alone in the storm, and I know, I will thrive and survive.     



Quick Moments

(Photo courtesy of N.D. “A Sunset view at the Hudson River”

Quick are the moments…..

When I steal a glance at you while you savor the pleasure and beauty of nature;

When you plunder a look at my back and to my gestures, you closely observe;

When we unintentionally catch into each others’ eyes and stare deeply into our souls;

When we tell stories, and you gently pat my shoulder, and hold my hand with slight piercing  pressure;

When we share jokes and exchange brisk wink of our eyes;

When all of a sudden spasmodically, you grab my hand and hastily squeeze it;

When you offer me something to nibble and a drink of wine;

When I hear your sweet, caring voice on the phone;

When I have my thoughts of you while sipping my coffee or enjoying a cup of tea;

When I embrace you in my heart, before bedtime and in the morning when I wake up;

When I send you my caring, morning greetings;

When I listen to music and dedicate a song for you;

When whatever I do, where ever I go, or whoever  I am with…. I  sneak love thoughts of you;

Quick are those moments… in the horizon of my imagination…

My Divine Lover, YOU… will forever be in my HEART.   

(C*Niirmaladevi September 2012   All Rights Reserved)

Nature Speaks


and now, nature speaks for itself…

the once heavily condensed ocean of clouds

freely pours down

in expression of it’s unspoken romance for Earth;

and Joy silently fill one’s heart with so much 

passion and love

this nature’s romance.

(C*2014.All Rights Reserved)

“Fall Leaves” (Lipstick Art)

Fall mornings are beautiful!

One beautiful, fall October morning,  I had my alarm set to five a.m. For some reason, I woke up earlier than my morning wake-up buzz.  Guess, I didn’t need it anyway. I prepared my stuff,  put on my walking gear… and how can anyone go out for a weekly exercise regimen without this essential gadget… a music player!

6:30 a.m.  Outside my apartment building. It was still  dark and I decided to hang-out in my favorite cafe’ for a while and grab a nice, hot, freshly brewed coffee. Soothing! I stayed inside the cafe’ until daylight comes out a bit from the horizon.

It takes about  five-minute walk until I will have to reach the nice, irregular shaped walking trail and the beautiful landscape design in the park.  It was an easy, natural stride along the way, while I enjoy the rest of my coffee and listen to my favorite smooth jazz music at the same time.

At the park. As usual, I see the same scene as I get to enter the gate. Some Chinese nationals perform Tai-Chi exercise, both young and old, men and women, some of them with their pet dogs, all out in their walking or jogging routine. A couple of them were even in their cane. I also see a Buddhist nun in her golden orange habit sitting in one of those benches silently meditating with japa in her hand. I just cannot keep my eye away from this nun every time I pass-by where she sits and meditate. I wish I could have sat beside her and meditate too. Like the nun, I also have a japa which I use while I walk /jog and recite my mantra at the same time.

Now, the sun is revealing it’s beauty as it rises in the East. I have seven rounds already…  and seven times I pass-by this Buddhist nun… and seven times she looks at the japa I have in my right hand… and seven times, I get to see the beauty of colorful flowers along side of the park… and seven times I get to step past some of the beautiful fall leaves from the trees. Its reddish-orange and dark-shaded yellow colors glow like the golden orange hue of the rising sun as it reflects its light to the ground. I get to pick seven of them in varied sizes, wrap it carefully with a napkin I got from the cafe’ and safely kept in my sling purse.

8:00 a.m. The sun is now in full bloom like a flower as it lifts itself in full openness. Beautiful, dazzling, elegant, simply gorgeous! It is time to go back and on my way home, I still can visualize  how this new day gives me a fresh smell of a fall morning and that real picture of a lovely, natural fall outdoor scene.

Indeed, mornings are beautiful on this fall October morning and I get to pick beautiful fall leaves which is part of the art work project I call, lipstick art. At home. Still, I can see in my inner vision the beauty of this gorgeous day. I start to grab my easel, brushes, drawing strathmore pad and my lipsticks. Of course I need the fall leaves I get to pick from the park.

3:00 p.m. I get to finish this artwork I call,  “Fall Leaves”  (A Lipstick Art)

Fall Leaves (Lipstick Art)
“Fall Leaves” (Lipstick Art)

Fall mornings are beautiful and I give thanks for this beautiful day, the golden sun, the colorful flowers, the Buddhist nun, the people around, the trees, the park, the coffee, the fall leaves … everything around me.

Fall mornings are beautiful and I just realize, it is the 3rd of October. It is my father’s birthday. A tear fell from my eyes. Five years… yes, five years, I never get to see him again. Where ever he is now, this is for him… my father.  Fall mornings are beautiful and I give thanks because on this 3rd of October, it reminds me of my father’s birthday.

Fall mornings are indeed beautiful!